There are two kinds of people in the world regarding movies: People that know movies and cynical people. People that know movies, ME, are the kind of people that present concise opinions about motion pictures regardless of them being good or bad, we say how it is and we're not ashamed of liking or disliking whatever movie we see.

But we're not here to teach how to watch movies, believe me, I tried. I was almost there and then J.F.K killed it. I will never try to mold anyone again. We're here to talk with people that know movies and warn them about the cynical motherfuckers that don't knwo them but act as they do.


Some of the things written next will shock for a lot of will fit into the asshole category. If such happens, We'll I'm sorry but it will mean that you are cynical assholes, and I fucking hate cynical assholes.


THE GUIDE TO RECOGNISE A CYNICAL MOVIEGOER


Cynical moviegoers can be spotted a mile away. I can tell them just by looking at them. They're the quintessencial Cliche. Slim, dark clothes, boring, young, male or female, vegetarian or vegan, opiniative, articulated speech, low talkers and mostly, very very stupid.


Cynical Moviegoer will disagree on everything


Cynical moviegoers have different opinions of yours about every movie you see. Even if the movie is self explanatory and comes with a tutorial in the end, they'll go out of their depth to create their own truth.




Take for example, Mulholland Drive, The basic story of the movie is this: It's all a dream up to the point when the camera zooms into the blue box at the Club Silencio.


In the beginning of the movie we even see a point of view shot where Naomi Watts falls on a pillow and goes to sleep. That's the fucking explanation, it's a dream. This movie is a masterpiece, but in the end it's a pilot for a TV show that was refused. Lynch shot another hour of film and with smart editing, turned it into a movie. 2/3 of the audience doesn't even know this.

If you know how to read cinema, codes, editing, you will understand this movie.

Now, all the cynical, pseudo-alternative pieces of shit out there don't understand it and even if you explain it to them, they'll just say that the end of the movie is up for discussion. "David Lynch directs movies that allow every single person to have their own point of view in the end." that may be true, but not with this movie. In this case, if you get, you know it. If you don't, you make up excuses.

I've spoken with three people that told me different point of views on this movie. They were all wrong and they didn't consider my explanation. I just told them they would die without ever knowing how to read a movie.


Cynical Moviegoer will buy movies only because they're cool to own. (at least that's what they think)




Alternative is in, mainstream is out. Not in specific movies, but all the time.Cynical people love classics, they're the type of people that buy the Box sets with Jean Luc Goddard and Ingmar Bergman Movies. I'm not a fan of these sort of films but I agree that movies like Birth Of A Nation or Rome, Open City are important in an educational point of view and should be studied by those who are interested in film. Now, these cynical people buy and see these movies without any knowledge of what they're seeing.

They know the movies are important but they don't know why and are arrogant enough to think that just by seeing them, they'll understand it. They do this and they manage to get away with it. Why? Because they only discuss it with mainstream audience, people that can't read cinema at all. Afterwards, those poor bastards think that the pseudo-critics are knowledgeable of Cinema becuase they understand all the movies from the famous alternative artists.These are the sort of people that have laughs while watching an Antonioni movie, I've honestly heard someone saying this.

"We were all watching an Antonioni Movie and one of us started laughing and he just couldn't stop." BORING!!!!!

If you still have trouble discerning from cynical and knowledgeable people, this might help: Cynical people will like every movie non English, Black and White, alternative, short feature, animation, documentary and all the experiments, rehearsals and assassinations of motion pictures.


FIRST RULE: World cinema is a must, U.S. Movies will only be in form of indepedent movies or Oscar Nominees





These cynical people will read everyone else's opinions and make them their own. They watch all genres of movies but all in non English language. For example the Animation will have to be Japanese or French movies, no Toy Story or Wall-E, that's in their words, "A corruption of the purity of animation." They might go for Shrek, but that's mainly because it's a different kind of animation, its told in the opposite way of convencional fairy tales, see the pattern here?

Just as a foot note here, I'm not saying these movies are bad, I've seen the Japanese ones and they're brilliant, I'm just stating that these cynicals only see these type of animation movies as some sort of rule.

Horror movies are a delicate subject, in truth they're way better made in Japan and Korea. The American Remakes apart from The Ring are buckets of putrid shit. The cynicals only see these horror movies and here I meet them halfway but I don't shake their hands. They like these movies because it's cool to like them, Why do I know this? In horro films its all about what they don't show, your imagination does all the job, Korean Movies work like that. The cynicals like them because they're scary and then the present excuses like good lighting and make up and valid perfomances. To bad that it's all about editing and camera movements. Not even close....

90% of the movies these people see,are European, the American Movies they see are only the ones nominated for Best Picture or small independent movies with lots of colour in their posters.You wouldn't catch them dead in Im Am Legend or Iron Man, in fact they would say that Robert Downey JR had sold out and swear not to see any of his movies post Iron Man.


Small independent movies are known for their strong characters and solid plots. These movies are fucking obligatory for cynical people, They'll see them all, no exception. They'll describe the movie to you like you're reading a review, nothing comes from their heart, no true knowledge, just a montage of readings. They would go to The Dark Knight because of Heath Ledger, for his role in Brokeback Mountain, They'll tell you he's the best thing in the movie and that they didn't really care about the rest. They'll agree with everything about Ledger but will throw small catchphrases like, "He captured the Nature Of Evil." so you'll think they know what they're talking about.

These cynical people are different about everything and they're proud of being so. They're taste in movies reflects on their clothes and personallity. It's pale, lacking in taste and boring. They don't know funny movies, They can't have fun whilst watching a motion picture, every movie they see must be a statement about human nature, a criticism on society or a lesson in life. I gathered three friends to see the short features from my University. One of those friends is a cynical, I said in the beginning, "She is going to like "Guincho."" We played the films, all ridiculous but one. When we got to "Guincho" which is the ultimate cliche in short features, basically a montage of images, no real plot, no likeable charactes, incoherent dialogue and editing. She liked it. Everyone looked at me at the end thinking like, "How did you know she was going to like it?" It's simple, shes a cynical, she's the one that watches french animation and Bratislavian documentaries and laughs in tears while watching Jules Et Jim.

Cynical Critics are also a lower life form. Everything they don't understand is a work of art, I guess no one has told them that maybe if they don't understand it it's because they're stupid. My honest opinion about these people is that they should be left alone, by that I mean, just ignore them. They're pretensious, arrogant and small minded. Leave them alone with their collection of Silent Movies and Bossa Nova Jazz Albums. If you're any of these people, I have no sympathy for you, If you don't know how to see movies and Hostel is your favourite, hey, they make movies of all kind for a reason, just say it's your favoutite and not the best movie ever. If you're like me, good for you.