EPISODE 3 - What Are Friends For

I have a friend, he's not a real person. By that, I don't mean I imagine him, he's real, with a National Insurance Number and all. It's just that he has no personality of his own, his whole vocabulary is a montage, or an editing or an assembly of quotes. Sometimes it's hard to be around him. He's like this continuous movie quiz and you're the player. He quotes everything ever written, he's like a cross between The Sound of Music and The Nightmare on Elm Street, but that's just because he sang the song in Switzerland while escaping the Nazis and he does kill teenagers in their sleep, but that's not the point.

He always says "I gotta take this" before answering the phone; that's from The Sopranos. And then there's that whole "Expectum Patronus" when his fighting of the Dementors. We have all told him that has to stop. He needs to get a life and some quotes of his own. The first course of action was to only let him see shitty movies like XXX or scary movies like Die hard 4.0, which in my opinion is one of the most horrible films ever. We all thought that there were no one liners that someone could use in those movies, but again we were wrong.

The next day, he came to the pub and asked for a pint. He then turned to his, and might i add he was bald that day and said: "I live for this shit." And then he parachuted out the front door. That was quite the spectacle I must say. He even got to use the "Get these motherfucking snakes out of this motherfucking plane." when we were flying coach with Circus Cardinalli. This progressively got worst, by now he was dressing as the characters. You try getting into church dressed as Hellboy or going into a star trek convention dressed as Darth Vader. Talk about bad timing.


One of his worst times was when he saw Magnolia, it was Fucking this fucking that, fucking here, fucking there, fucking everywhere. That was a very long lunch. Our second attempt and a great Idea by my girlfriend, that cheating bitch, was that we made him watch silent movies. We felt really good about it, it made sense, it was perfect. We rented Buster Keaton movies, The Birth of a Nation, Nosferatu; that's right, we know our shit. He saw them and to be true he didn't quote anything from them, but that chalkboard was beginning to get on my nerves.But hey, we're his buddies, his pals, his mates, and we won't let him make a fool of himself anymore. We had to schedule an intervention.

We popped pulp fiction in the DVD and told him that every time a catch phrase appeared, we would beat him senseless.That whole pain association thing. (It worked wonders for me when i couldn't stop smoking, these two doctors came into my house dressed as cigarettes and sodomized the will of smoking out of me; even today when i think about smoking, my ass hurts.) Moving on. It's needless to say that Pulp Fiction took almost the whole day to play entirely. But in the end, we pulled through, he was over it, bleeding severely, but over it.

I just hope that the treatment works for every quote and not just for the ones in Pulp Fiction.On that weekend he met us again in the pub. You should have seen him behaving, he was like a normal person, apart from being in a wheel chair and bandaged in 90% of his body. But he drank that beer through a straw like there was no tomorrow.
God Bless him.