EPISODE 2 - Greetings and Salutations

Okay, so I went out with some friends, well, they're more like acquaintances, they're my girlfriends friends, so I'm kind of friend by association. Everything was going great, and then I got there. Now, i don't know how you guys greet people, I myself kiss once in both cheeks, once if the other person has one side of her face stuck to something. But everyone has a different way of greeting.

There's the one kiss, the two kisses (ME) and the three kisses. I like kissing, I prefer to kiss on the mouth, but that would only take place in a perfect world. The one kiss for me simply doesn't work; it's too little, too less. It leaves me for the rest of the conversation just looking at that other cheek, fantasising how it feels to the touch and ultimately will leave the other person thinking "Where's he looking at?"The two kisses greeting, that's The perfect balance, if I ever saw one.

You kiss once for hello and twice for how are you. Perfect.The three kisses, and I do like my kissing, it's jut too much. Once for hello, twice for how are you and three times for here I go again.It honestly makes me dizzy, not to mention that it's completely off balance. Now bare with me; Don't you think that the whole symbiosis of the three kissing greeting should be one in the left cheek, one in the right cheek (Not in that particular order, you can change if you're left handed or right handed or ambidextrous, I personally have no hands) and the third one in the lips.

Now, don't take this as a cheap shot to kiss girls I've just met. I mean, when you do the Holy Trinity thing. The father, the son and the holly spirit, you don't visit the same place twice, and that's not to Disrespect God, imagine the mistake you're making by revisiting that same cheek. And if you're obsessive compulsive like I am, well, then it's the whole one cheek kiss all over again.

When they pop me that third kiss, which very rarely happens, I cannot, repeat, cannot focus on the conversation. She'll be saying something like, "My parent's died in a car crash, my house burned down, my dog was poisoned and my boyfriend is cheating on me with my brother" - I've heard this happens sometimes - and the only thing i can say is: Sorry, could you kiss me on the right side of my face? It's really driving me crazy.

But then I don't get the kiss, do I? No, I get the slap, and she slaps me on the left side, so, that's double the contact that my right side has gotten in that evening. I'm really uneven at this point. My head is tilting to the left from all the layers of contact it has in it. Guys in the beginning were merely a handshake. I was okay with that, not to personal, not to forward, there was balance. But now, we shake hands and give a little hug while shaking. Hey, I'm not complaining, I like to touch another man's chest just as the next guy, it's just that if it's more than one guy and if it's someone you don't like, then you're screwed.

You have to greet them the same way, all of them, even the leprosy guy that came along and that other guy that's on fire. Ever had someone greeting your friends and not greeting you? When that happens, I know I'm in for a special time. The whole meeting is me thinking about a way to say goodbye to that guy in a way that will make him feel that I have no interest in talking to him again. You might think this is petty, but hey, I come from a loving caring family; we always punished people that weren't nice.

So by the end of the meeting, the guy shakes every one's hand and I tap him on the arm before he gets a chance to extend me the courtesy of his special had shake and turn my back to him to answer my mobile. Now, you might think this is childish and immature but he knows he didn't greet me in the beginning and he noticed that I extended his courtesy in the end.

It won't last long, but it will last just enough for him to be distracted about it and not notice the car on the road that runs over him and kills him. So he drops dead on the floor and I never did had a chance to meet him. And I had been so close to do it.